The more structure I put on the chaos of the sand, the more it would fall apart.
My fear closes my life off…these are my emotions as they spew out, a swirl of bewilderment. The more frightened I am, the more suppression I create. I realize that when I let go, it’s going to be like jumping off a high dive. That moment from going from platform to free fall, I need to embrace it and experience the fear of falling. I’m not worried about the landing, just the fall. I’m not going to not fall. Keeping control hasn’t worked, so maybe letting go will.
This is what it looks like while I’m working through everything as an observer and participant in a willing partnership with my grandson’s addiction struggles.
The turmoil I am embracing, the bruises, the gut wrenching not knowing…I spent a lot of time in that cloud of not knowing. These are the bruises that are healing. There is a pattern of how I get into this is my thinking that I am controlled by my emotions. Put the light in my sand as the light of God. I’m just a soul having a human experience. What can I be open to receive? This is the light and love of spirit, and my own wisdom and sitting with it. Knowing when a seed gets planted, it needs to be nourished. I feel like there’s going to be a transformation. How they transform through myself.
I am very used to letting things go. It’s a daily event to let go of emotion. I learned to put my life in the center of it and reflect on what life really means. In the midst of distractions, brokenness, and pain, I know who I am. When I get lost I just keep looking. Letting go of everything that doesn’t promote life is an everyday experience. Letting go by creating space for these emotions. By crying when I need to, fear when I need to, and letting those feelings come out. My life is still in the center…the yellow is the life in all of the emotions. The fear, brokenness, and uncertainty is what makes up my life. All of what I hate is what makes up my life, and brings me back to the love of who I am.
I am letting go of pieces of relationships, scars, hurt, lost pathways and the darkness that goes with it. I feel free again to be myself, and look for the light.