My heart is compartmentalized…lost and dry, lost in wilderness. I haven’t felt this way before. At the same time there is hope, so many things are starting to happen, though it’s a giant stack of books that is precariously placed and would start to crash, but I do have the ability to build up. There is a pearl of great price inside of me. It is important to take care of myself. My kids are just as important. Structures surround my heart…so many possibilities, people and things holding me together even though I feel broken. The energy is good for me and I am getting better, slowly.
Maybe on purpose mine is empty because there are so many things unknown. Many things on my heart…I don’t have a life-long companion. Is that over for me? I’m taking a time out to figure things out at the center of my being. Just being aware of what society says, which to be respected and esteemed, you should be an executive. I like taking care of people. I am a caretaker and homemaker at heart. Everything feels like my first steps. Everything feels so new to me. I don’t know which way is up or down, what is good or bad anymore. Sometimes I just throw things out to see how I should feel about them.
These are my children…they are always in my heart. They remind me of the important things in life, not just myself, but others as well. All of the people around me are in my heart- the immigrant community…whole families not knowing what to do. They are always on my heart. Opening a space to speak up and listen to one another and to alleviate the tension and sadness. It is a time of resistance as well.
I am trying to recognize my life in the light. I remind myself of who I am in the beginning and don’t ever forget who I am- pure, compassionate. I love to listen to people. I love to learn. My ability for empathy will always cause me suffering. I like to recognize that suffering is just what makes the life come out. The surprise and amazement about things around me, a new day, helps me appreciate each moment in my life. This is the fight- the capitalistic, materialistic world of work, schedules, all about money versus the world of compassion with fresh air and water, nature. How to balance this?
Remove the ashes of the world and always bring to life the beginning. Nature is pure. Don’t get trapped in the other world- we can easily get trapped. I feel I am not trapped because the support system around me. I won’t work in the same way without this support system. God is amazing. God’s grace sustains my life.
There is a wild and new yet familiar piece in my heart that is making me uncomfortable but there’s only this tiny bird to speak for it because I can’t put most of it into words. There is wonder and freedom, deep darkness, and a tiger to guard it. The tiger is guarding this new tree and flowers- new healthy growth. This lone wolf makes me feel free but also concerned about wanting to be alone forever.